When "Type-A" Personalities Suck

Weather in Vermont can be really frustrating. If you don't have access to covered riding space, by early January you are usually SOL as far as working a horse is concerned. If your horse is calm and good about being ridden outside an arena, you can often go for snowy trail rides, but snow depth, ice coverage and temperature often make that impossible, too. Now we are getting into the spring thaw, "mud season" around here. The top layer of earth is thawed and very slippery, but there's still ice and frozen ground underneath, making working a horse fairly hazardous.

I've been using this as my excuse as to why Stella has had another extended vacation. "It's totally reasonable," I say to myself, "why would I work a horse in sketchy conditions?" And you wouldn't, if you can about the welfare of your animal, but I know there is another reason...

I am what you would call a "Type-A" personality. This is a wonderful trait for the office or whatever you do for work: it (usually) means one is hard-working, dedicated, focused, determined and an ultimate perfectionist. You want to do things well, properly and efficiently. However, this is not so wonderful when you're a horseperson, at least not for me. When that perfectionist mentality takes over, it can make it difficult to take the small successes and to stay motivated when things are troubling or difficult. It's made it especially hard working with Stella, because she's not the only novice here: I am too. I'm trying to learn how to work with her WHILE she's learning, and ugh, that's hard.

It also makes it easy to put off work until conditions are "ideal". Until it gets warmer, until the snow melts, until the ice is gone, until the mud has dried up, until until until...once we get to summer, it will be too hot, too buggy, too whatever.

Then you have the issue of money. K is super and even affordable, but being on unemployment (although I will be starting back to work tomorrow) and balancing being a student does not much money make. I'd love to have a lesson every week, but that's an extra couple hundred dollars a month that I just can't afford to shell out at the moment.

I'm not bitching, really. This blog is as much a way to keep myself honest as it is entertainment and reading material for you good folks. It's easy to get caught up in the "what-if's", the "until's", but ultimately I have to be honest as to where I am with Stella. I am stalling because I'm scared I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared of failure. I feel a bit cowardly sometimes, but trying to change one's ways is a long distance run, not a sprint race. I've been reading and listening to audio recordings of horsemanship training and advice but it doesn't mean much if I don't WORK with my horse.

I think the depression also fits in here somewhere, but I try not to think too much about it. I'm toying again with medication options as my current meds seem to be losing their efficacy, and keeping myself busy to avoid having too much think time.

Stay tuned: things will get better, they have to. Stella isn't shedding yet, but once she starts I'll be plenty busy getting her cleaned up for what I hope to be a positive and exciting spring and summer.