The Second Coming

We're back. Both of us. Together, this time, and with such an amazingly different outlook on how to continue this relationship.

Well, maybe different isn't the right word. Maybe I mean sincere. It's not that I didn't want this mare on the best path to recovery that I could provide, and it's not that I didn't (or don't) want an absolutely undeniably honest and trusting relationship with her. I do, I always have. But I don't always think I had the humility to see, to really see, that I had a lot of changing to do, more than I ever could have imagined, and in ways I never realized.

Yes, I've written about it before, a million times. How much I've grown, how much I've realized, how I've learned humbleness over and over and over again until I'm blue in the face. But sometimes your subconscious takes a while to catch up with the conscious. You know what you have to do, you may even know how to go about doing it, but you just aren't in the right place to start. The universe is trying to tell you something, and ignoring or going against it only leads to frustration and anger most of the time.

I've asked for a long time, why me? Why did I have to go through this? Now I know. I'm not being punished: this is how things had to happen for me to grow. I don't wish abuse or anything so terrible on anyone, ever. But as a survivor, it is important to look at things for what they are, and to take what solace you can. Ernie started my healing path, but I never recognized it at the time. It was only after he was gone that I started to really see what was happening. Then along came Stella, by far the best teacher I've had in this life, and it's only in the last few weeks that I've felt that gut feeling, an undeniable yes, this is the right time. 

There's so much to tell, but the story is really just beginning...

A (Forced) Extended Vacation

Not by choice so much. I moved, officially, and am now living within spitting distance of Stella mare. Quite literally. But with this move has come no access to the outside world, i.e. no cell phone service (which means no internet on my phone, either) no internet hookup, etc. It's been quite the experience.

More to come, so much more...including pictures of my FANTASTIC new view from pretty much every window in the cabin.

And more on the Stella girl, too. Good news abound!

I can sum up everything I've learned about life in three words: it goes on.

Yes it does, and it will continue to.

So much has happened in the last couple weeks. Let's recap, even though some is new information to this blog:

1) Stella continues to sort of maybe get better. She's got almost 100% tail function at this point, although she's still sensitive around her tail head. Her R hock remains a little more puffy than the L, but I no longer have to wrap her. She's been pretty good at regulating her movement, and I'm trying to let her out on grass as much as I can (always supervised, unfortunately). She's still a little thinner than I'd like, but she's light years from where she was at the initial injury. She probably lost 40 lbs. between being in constant heat, the injuries piling on, and the weather changing (heat always stresses her out). There's going to need to be some changes for her in the next couple months, which I'll talk about at a later date.

2) I ended my relationship of almost three years. I think we had both seen it coming for a long time: being a trauma survivor usually means carrying a lot of emotional baggage, and mine was getting a little too hard for him to deal with in a healthy way. There was a lot of pressure on me to get going, to figure things out, to change how I reacted in certain situations, to be "normal", and it just wasn't healthy for me. I still love him, and I miss him, but I have to admit I'm happier than I've been in a long time. For once, I just have to worry about me and my healing journey. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, right there with making the decision to put Ernie down, but I'm better off for it.

3) I graduated massage school. It was a really beautiful, intimate and very special ceremony: only having 19 graduates makes that a lot easier. I always found graduations to be so mechanical and typical, churning kids out almost like a factory. This was so perfectly-imperfect, so cozy, so wonderful. Each of us were recognized with a touch stone (the name of my school was Touchstone Healing Arts), which is a basalt stone used to test the purity of precious metals. Each stone had a word on it, something the professors and directors wanted us to embody in our journey forward. My word was "courage", and holy man does that fit what I need to be going forward in my life.

4) I made the decision to move out of my parents house. As of July 1st, there is a cabin on the barn property that will open up. The current tenant, a good friend of mine, is moving out and moving in with her boyfriend and closer to her new job. It's perfect timing: Alex and I had talked about moving in together this summer, but obviously that's no longer an option. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own: rent is so expensive around here and even though I work two jobs, student loans are killing me. Add to that the most recent vet bill of close to two grand, and I thought I was destined to live with my folks for a couple more years. Besides the awesome perk of being literally 30 feet from my horse, this cabin has all-inclusive rent, is close to both jobs and will give me privacy if and when I need it. I so need this change in my life and I practically live at the barn anyway, so why not REALLY live there?

It's been all good things, I think. I'm working two jobs, one in a chiropractor's office and the other at the greenhouses, same as last year. It's a nice duality to have, and although I don't ever get a full day off, I don't want or need one right now. Stella is a waiting game right now, I'll have more to report when the vet comes out next week, but her care has been pretty minimal because I'm not really allowed to do anything with her. She's taken it all pretty well, too. I just want my girl back, but I think after all of this is said and done, I'm finally in a position to start anew.

When "Type-A" Personalities Suck

Weather in Vermont can be really frustrating. If you don't have access to covered riding space, by early January you are usually SOL as far as working a horse is concerned. If your horse is calm and good about being ridden outside an arena, you can often go for snowy trail rides, but snow depth, ice coverage and temperature often make that impossible, too. Now we are getting into the spring thaw, "mud season" around here. The top layer of earth is thawed and very slippery, but there's still ice and frozen ground underneath, making working a horse fairly hazardous.

I've been using this as my excuse as to why Stella has had another extended vacation. "It's totally reasonable," I say to myself, "why would I work a horse in sketchy conditions?" And you wouldn't, if you can about the welfare of your animal, but I know there is another reason...

I am what you would call a "Type-A" personality. This is a wonderful trait for the office or whatever you do for work: it (usually) means one is hard-working, dedicated, focused, determined and an ultimate perfectionist. You want to do things well, properly and efficiently. However, this is not so wonderful when you're a horseperson, at least not for me. When that perfectionist mentality takes over, it can make it difficult to take the small successes and to stay motivated when things are troubling or difficult. It's made it especially hard working with Stella, because she's not the only novice here: I am too. I'm trying to learn how to work with her WHILE she's learning, and ugh, that's hard.

It also makes it easy to put off work until conditions are "ideal". Until it gets warmer, until the snow melts, until the ice is gone, until the mud has dried up, until until until...once we get to summer, it will be too hot, too buggy, too whatever.

Then you have the issue of money. K is super and even affordable, but being on unemployment (although I will be starting back to work tomorrow) and balancing being a student does not much money make. I'd love to have a lesson every week, but that's an extra couple hundred dollars a month that I just can't afford to shell out at the moment.

I'm not bitching, really. This blog is as much a way to keep myself honest as it is entertainment and reading material for you good folks. It's easy to get caught up in the "what-if's", the "until's", but ultimately I have to be honest as to where I am with Stella. I am stalling because I'm scared I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared of failure. I feel a bit cowardly sometimes, but trying to change one's ways is a long distance run, not a sprint race. I've been reading and listening to audio recordings of horsemanship training and advice but it doesn't mean much if I don't WORK with my horse.

I think the depression also fits in here somewhere, but I try not to think too much about it. I'm toying again with medication options as my current meds seem to be losing their efficacy, and keeping myself busy to avoid having too much think time.

Stay tuned: things will get better, they have to. Stella isn't shedding yet, but once she starts I'll be plenty busy getting her cleaned up for what I hope to be a positive and exciting spring and summer.

Time Out

I've taken a week off or so from horses, not because (in my heart, anyway) I've really wanted to, but because it was emotionally/mentally necessary.

I will probably be sharing a little bit more about myself on this blog than I did on The Chronicles of Ernest, just because it's more pertinent my journey with Stella. After all, our horses are our mirrors, right?

I have struggled with depression and PTSD for a long time, probably longer than I realize, but it really kicked in after I confronted my history of childhood sexual abuse. I was in weekly cognative-behavioral therapy for over a year before I agreed that medication was an important next step. Something about meds didn't sit well with me: I'm a proud person, and I felt like taking a pill every day was admitting defeat. There was also something else, something more insidious: folks assume that depressed or anxious people want nothing more than to get out of their rut, but for me, it was comfortable even if it was miserable. What I would have to tackle by getting over my depression and anxiety was my fear of being close to someone, my fear of losing control, my fear of not knowing what would happen. People with anxiety become very good at protecting themselves, and the irrational parts of our brains tell us that no one can protect us, so we don't have a choice. We simply aren't safe. I had built walls my entire life to keep people from getting to close, and this spilled not only into my relationships but the way I interacted with horses.

I think this, in some ways, is why Ernie and I functioned on some sort of deeper understanding. I didn't realize it for a long time, but we did a lot of the same things: we had our coping mechanisms, we had things we just couldn't get past, and we each knew how to toe the other's line just enough to get things done, but not too much that we got hurt. He gave what he could when I asked for it, and I took what he gave without pushing too much, mostly because I was afraid to see what would happen it I did push, like I was afraid of what would happen if I pushed myself.

With Stella, it's a whole new ball game. She needs my utmost confidence and support, and if I can't give that on any given day, working with her is pointless for both parties. Stella displays the same disassociation behaviors that I do when I feel anxious and trapped: when she gets too stressed, she "leaves". Her body can't run away, so her mind leaves and she becomes distant and unengaged. It's like she's on autopilot, the light is one but no one is home. Her spirit is gone, and she's no longer with me, but just going through the motions until it's over. I'm looking right into the mirror when I see this in her. So I don't encourage it by being fully present and demanding her attention at all times when we're together, and by purposefully not working with her when I'm not strong enough to do that.

This week there were some issues with getting my medication refills: my doctor was out of town, the refills ran out and needed to be re-authorized, the computer system at my pharmacy crashed, the records got lost...Murphy's Law was in full effect. When you suddenly go off anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications, you go through a period of withdrawal just like with many drugs. I got really irritable, would have random unexplained shakes like one does with low blood sugar, felt "fuzzy", and went through pretty extreme mood swings, from high to low and back. I cried for no reason, and broke down at the barn when I went to feed Tuesday night because I couldn't get the horses into their appropriate stalls to feed. They probably saw the bright red ball of anxious energy around me and said "there's no WAY I'm going near that..." I had no control over my emotions, or so I felt, and decided when I got back in the car that I was not going near a horse until I got a grip.

It's frustrating to know you really do need the meds, because you don't realize they're doing anything until you stop taking them. But that's life, and if it's what I need to function, then it's what I need to function. Because of all this, there is little to report on the Stella front, but hopefully by the end of the weekend I'll be back to playing with my girl.